"Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly!"

     A few months ago I decided that I needed to make a genuine effort to clean up my potty mouth. I admit that colorful and well placed expletives are often seamlessly woven into my everyday conversation with family and friends. A “WTF” here and a “WTF” there is par for my discourse. Once, the “S” word even slipped out of my mouth after hearing an incredible testimony at Women’s Bible Study. I, like everyone else, was stunned. To my great relief the ladies erupted into laughter. My potty mouth had unintentionally served a purpose lifting the tension of a very emotional moment.
     Figuring that wouldn’t always be the case I decided to come up with a more clever way to express myself. I definitely appreciate the sentiment of, “Whiskey, Tango, Firefox” but it just isn’t me. It’s way too military and hardly original. But come on, we all need to be able to self-medicate with our own “WTF” bomb during times of distress or disbelief. So I settled on, “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly!” A definite rip off, but suits my quirky personality just fine. With that in mind here are a few situations that have set me off on a “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly” tangent or two. I’m sure some of you will relate…
     For instance, when the skies have darkened, blinding rain is beating down and fierce winds are gusting about—but all of the local weather people only seem interested in touting their Doppler 4000 gizmos, Next Rad do-hickeys, or Sky Tracking gadgets while I’m yelling, “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly just tell me if funnel clouds are spinning my way people!”
     Or after weeks of working out like an Olympic hopeful, sticking to my diet and living for my one cheat day. I roll up to Church’s Chicken feining for just one deep fried, high fat, steroid filled chicken wing and the chick inside the squawk box says, “Baby, we’re out of chicken wings.” “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly!” Rolling my eyes in utter disbelief I growl to my husband, “How is Church’s “Chicken” out of chicken wings on a Saturday afternoon?”
     Then there are celebrities like Tiger Woods or Michael Vick who’ve made amazingly bad choices and paid the price with endless public humiliation, loss of sponsors and revenue, and even jail time—the media clamors non-stop for some kind of public apology. But when the apology is given the blood suckers are still not satisfied. They whine that the apologies are not heartfelt enough. The celebs are not contrite enough. If the celeb sheds a tear, the apology is considered fake. If they don’t then they’re cold and insincere. “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly people! Get a life and stop acting as if your fecal matter has a pleasant aroma!”
     Or when a client wants a rush job and you get it done better and even faster than expected. But it still takes 30 days for your invoice to clear accounting. “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly! Why can’t the check ever be cut as quickly as the job was completed?”
     And finally I’ll leave you with one of my personal favorites. Son: “Man, you’re losing weight Mom.” Me: “You really notice?” Son: “Yea, you don’t look nearly as pregnant as you used to.” Or, Son: “Why are you working out so much? What do you need to look good for anyway? Me: “Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly! Really?”
     Okay now it’s your turn. What are some of your Watermelon, Tomato, Fruit Fly moments?


One comment

  1. HILARIOUS!!!! I so remember that day in bible study too…I think…no I know we were all thinking WTF! You just said it in a more bible study appropriate manner! 🙂

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